Reading IS Power :)

Life has been very busy lately and I have been feeling very disconnected from the world.  A lasting illness in the family can do that, I guess.  'Cause you to become a hermit...in your own bubble...and I don't like it!!  Thankfully, it appears that the Reukaufs are turning a corner, and with the ushering in of Spring and warmer weather, we will hopefully all stay healthy for a while.

In my sickness, however, I have been able to catch up on some reading.  I've been enjoying reading the book "Adopted For Life" by Russell D. Moore.  I am only half way through the book, but an interesting thing happened when I reached the chapter titled Don't You Want Your Own Kids?  How to know if you--or someone you love--should consider adoption.  Crazy title, I know.  Kinda hits you right in the face, but it's not as jarring as you might think.  Anyway, the interesting thing was that I couldn't stop underlining his words.  There was virtually nothing until I reached page 86 and then it felt as if my pen was going to run out of ink!  I felt like he was writing this section just for me.  Here's what I mean:

Biblical imagery of Rachel weeping for her children "because they are no more"

Listening to the song "Thought You'd Be Here" by the artist Wes King

"Do you want most of all to be parents, or do you want most of all to be conservators of your genetic material?"

"If you're infertile...the first thing you should know is that the sadness you feel is normal.  In fact, it's holy...God is not punishing you...As Jesus tells his disciples, the horrible circumstances that happen to people in this life aren't a one-to-one retaliation for sin."

Hannah was "deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly.  Hannah, along with a host of other childless families in Scripture, is sad, and such sadness isn't wrong."

And here's where I REALLY sat up and paid attention...

"Infertility isn't hopeless, but it's dangerous.  Remember that your life is being lived out in a world that's more that what you can see...You bear the image of God, you resemble Jesus, and so you are a target for demonic principalities and powers who seek to turn your affections away from your Lord.  It's easy to become bitter, envious, and covetous when you want children and fear you can't have them...You can easily shut down your emotional life as much as possible, numbing yourself to keep from getting hurt further.  If you find yourself mistrusting God's goodness to you or caving introspectively in on yourself or unable to rejoice with those who rejoice and to weep with those who weep, recognize what's happening--and that it isn't good."

And here is where the past four to six years of my life have been.  Wasted on emotions and feelings of hurt and bitterness, sorrow and anger, manifesting like a toxin in my life and in my relationships.  And this is why I need to apologize.  To any of my dear friends whom I may have offended by my inability to be joyously elated over their pregnancy news, I am deeply sorry.  My life circumstance has no impact on what the future may or may not hold of your own individual dreams of growing your families.  Nor does my infertility and pregnancy loss impact my own desires to have more children.

I know that when the future brings a newly adopted son or daughter into our family, I will continue to ask all of you for your continued thoughts and prayers as I struggle with "letting go" less and less.  Our newest member to our family will not erase the infertile hole that has been left in our hearts, but I am hoping that through God's grace and mercy, I will love this child as if I had carried and birthed them myself.

Thought You'd Be Here 

by Wes King*

We thought you’d be here by now

Your mother and I

We’re praying through our tears that somehow

We might hear your sweet cry

Have we waited too long?

It’s getting harder to be strong

Is there something we’ve done wrong

But if you like dancing

I'll make it rain rhythm, and rhyme, and melodies, child

And if you like dreaming

Your mother will make your imagination run wild

Somehow, we thought you’d be here by now

We have a room just for you upstairs

It’s right down the hall

So we’ll be close should you ever get scared

We’ll come when you call

It’s a room full of stories

Waiting to be told

Longing to behold

And if you like laughing

I’ll paint you a circus of smiles and Ferris wheels, dear

And if you like living

Your mother will fly you to worlds both far and near

Somehow...

I never knew the silence could make me so deaf

I never knew that I could miss someone I’ve never met

Miss someone I haven’t met yet

We’ll be waiting

*I'm kinda hoping my dear friend, Catherine, will record this for me someday.