In my sickness, however, I have been able to catch up on some reading. I've been enjoying reading the book "Adopted For Life" by Russell D. Moore. I am only half way through the book, but an interesting thing happened when I reached the chapter titled Don't You Want Your Own Kids? How to know if you--or someone you love--should consider adoption. Crazy title, I know. Kinda hits you right in the face, but it's not as jarring as you might think. Anyway, the interesting thing was that I couldn't stop underlining his words. There was virtually nothing until I reached page 86 and then it felt as if my pen was going to run out of ink! I felt like he was writing this section just for me. Here's what I mean:
Biblical imagery of Rachel weeping for her children "because they are no more"
Listening to the song "Thought You'd Be Here" by the artist Wes King
"Do you want most of all to be parents, or do you want most of all to be conservators of your genetic material?"
"If you're infertile...the first thing you should know is that the sadness you feel is normal. In fact, it's holy...God is not punishing you...As Jesus tells his disciples, the horrible circumstances that happen to people in this life aren't a one-to-one retaliation for sin."
Hannah was "deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly. Hannah, along with a host of other childless families in Scripture, is sad, and such sadness isn't wrong."
And here's where I REALLY sat up and paid attention...
"Infertility isn't hopeless, but it's dangerous. Remember that your life is being lived out in a world that's more that what you can see...You bear the image of God, you resemble Jesus, and so you are a target for demonic principalities and powers who seek to turn your affections away from your Lord. It's easy to become bitter, envious, and covetous when you want children and fear you can't have them...You can easily shut down your emotional life as much as possible, numbing yourself to keep from getting hurt further. If you find yourself mistrusting God's goodness to you or caving introspectively in on yourself or unable to rejoice with those who rejoice and to weep with those who weep, recognize what's happening--and that it isn't good."
And here is where the past four to six years of my life have been. Wasted on emotions and feelings of hurt and bitterness, sorrow and anger, manifesting like a toxin in my life and in my relationships. And this is why I need to apologize. To any of my dear friends whom I may have offended by my inability to be joyously elated over their pregnancy news, I am deeply sorry. My life circumstance has no impact on what the future may or may not hold of your own individual dreams of growing your families. Nor does my infertility and pregnancy loss impact my own desires to have more children.
I know that when the future brings a newly adopted son or daughter into our family, I will continue to ask all of you for your continued thoughts and prayers as I struggle with "letting go" less and less. Our newest member to our family will not erase the infertile hole that has been left in our hearts, but I am hoping that through God's grace and mercy, I will love this child as if I had carried and birthed them myself.
Thought You'd Be Here
by Wes King*
We thought you’d be here by now
Your mother and I
We’re praying through our tears
that somehow
We might hear your sweet cry
Have we waited too long?
It’s getting harder to be strong
Is there something we’ve done wrong
But if you like dancing
I'll make it rain rhythm, and
rhyme, and melodies, child
And if you like dreaming
Your mother will make your
imagination run wild
Somehow, we thought you’d be here
by now
We have a room just for you
upstairs
It’s right down the hall
So we’ll be close should you ever
get scared
We’ll come when you call
It’s a room full of stories
Waiting to be told
Longing to behold
And if you like laughing
I’ll paint you a circus of smiles
and Ferris wheels, dear
And if you like living
Your mother will fly you to worlds
both far and near
Somehow...
I never knew the silence could make
me so deaf
I never knew that I could miss
someone I’ve never met
Miss someone I haven’t met yet
We’ll
be waiting
*I'm kinda hoping my dear friend, Catherine, will record this for me someday.
