Two Wrongs...And A Right

Recently I received an email from the director of the agency that we initially chose to proceed with our adoption...(yes,the one that we broke up with).  It seems that after six months of silence she was finally getting back to us to answer any questions or concerns that we had about their agency and the adoption process.  Tim and I both thought..."Hmm...how kind of them to express an interest in us."  (No, not really).  Given how emotional I was, I thought it best that Tim draft a response that was more matter-of-fact and to the point.  The day in which the reply was sent, I received a phone call from her almost immediately.

It was a pleasant phone call in which we discussed their lack-of-communication and personal relationship missteps and she assured me that the matter would be addressed for future applicants (hopefully).  Our bond was mended with an apology and the door was left open should we want to inquire about adoptions with their agency in the future.

The last bit of bad news has to do with me, personally.  As we are still undergoing the home study process, information is being sent out and received on a fairly regular basis.  I wasn't expecting to receive a letter from my doctor's office about my cholesterol though.  I've known that it has been in the "high" range ever since I was in my 20's (Hint:  I'm not in my 20's anymore).  And as my weight has fluctuated, so have my cholesterol numbers.  Needless to say, they aren't pretty.  But then again, neither is my relationship with food.  I've been meaning to make some serious changes regarding my (fatty and sugary) diet and (lack of) exercise and I guess that this news has caused me to take more action than I have in the last decade and here is where I need your prayers.  I have always had a wonderful relationship with food.  A mutual love for one another you might say.  But if food could possibly get in the way of adopting a child* well, then, I think that the relationship needs to come to an end.  Not entirely, of course...but more of a healthy change.  Me eating only the good healthy stuff...and the fatty and sugary "yummy" stuff taking an extend vacation.  Like...forever.

*Our third appointment with Bethany is on Wednesday which should hopefully bring us all some piece of mind.

Openness

Tim and I recently finished our first online adoption course entitled Open Adoption 101.  It was a very well organized course which goes more in-depth about the very sensitive issue of openness in domestic adoption.

"Openness gives children the gifts of possibilities, for now and for the future.  It is not a cure-all, but it creates the possibility for a stronger sense of purpose in identity."  

The idea of openness is a child-centered focus involving honest communication, empathy, relationships, boundaries, and flexibility.

In addition, shortly after the course, I was able to meet with Colleen, a new adoptive mom who recently had a successful experience in adopting her daughter through Bethany Christian Services.  Meeting Colleen was like a breath of fresh air...we both had similar experiences in the journey of choosing an agency, and similar views on the adoption journey itself.  In meeting my new friend, I felt a renewed spirit that Tim and I are on the right course for us and I look forward to learning and growing more as a family.

Reading IS Power :)

Life has been very busy lately and I have been feeling very disconnected from the world.  A lasting illness in the family can do that, I guess.  'Cause you to become a hermit...in your own bubble...and I don't like it!!  Thankfully, it appears that the Reukaufs are turning a corner, and with the ushering in of Spring and warmer weather, we will hopefully all stay healthy for a while.

In my sickness, however, I have been able to catch up on some reading.  I've been enjoying reading the book "Adopted For Life" by Russell D. Moore.  I am only half way through the book, but an interesting thing happened when I reached the chapter titled Don't You Want Your Own Kids?  How to know if you--or someone you love--should consider adoption.  Crazy title, I know.  Kinda hits you right in the face, but it's not as jarring as you might think.  Anyway, the interesting thing was that I couldn't stop underlining his words.  There was virtually nothing until I reached page 86 and then it felt as if my pen was going to run out of ink!  I felt like he was writing this section just for me.  Here's what I mean:

Biblical imagery of Rachel weeping for her children "because they are no more"

Listening to the song "Thought You'd Be Here" by the artist Wes King

"Do you want most of all to be parents, or do you want most of all to be conservators of your genetic material?"

"If you're infertile...the first thing you should know is that the sadness you feel is normal.  In fact, it's holy...God is not punishing you...As Jesus tells his disciples, the horrible circumstances that happen to people in this life aren't a one-to-one retaliation for sin."

Hannah was "deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly.  Hannah, along with a host of other childless families in Scripture, is sad, and such sadness isn't wrong."

And here's where I REALLY sat up and paid attention...

"Infertility isn't hopeless, but it's dangerous.  Remember that your life is being lived out in a world that's more that what you can see...You bear the image of God, you resemble Jesus, and so you are a target for demonic principalities and powers who seek to turn your affections away from your Lord.  It's easy to become bitter, envious, and covetous when you want children and fear you can't have them...You can easily shut down your emotional life as much as possible, numbing yourself to keep from getting hurt further.  If you find yourself mistrusting God's goodness to you or caving introspectively in on yourself or unable to rejoice with those who rejoice and to weep with those who weep, recognize what's happening--and that it isn't good."

And here is where the past four to six years of my life have been.  Wasted on emotions and feelings of hurt and bitterness, sorrow and anger, manifesting like a toxin in my life and in my relationships.  And this is why I need to apologize.  To any of my dear friends whom I may have offended by my inability to be joyously elated over their pregnancy news, I am deeply sorry.  My life circumstance has no impact on what the future may or may not hold of your own individual dreams of growing your families.  Nor does my infertility and pregnancy loss impact my own desires to have more children.

I know that when the future brings a newly adopted son or daughter into our family, I will continue to ask all of you for your continued thoughts and prayers as I struggle with "letting go" less and less.  Our newest member to our family will not erase the infertile hole that has been left in our hearts, but I am hoping that through God's grace and mercy, I will love this child as if I had carried and birthed them myself.

Thought You'd Be Here 

by Wes King*

We thought you’d be here by now

Your mother and I

We’re praying through our tears that somehow

We might hear your sweet cry

Have we waited too long?

It’s getting harder to be strong

Is there something we’ve done wrong

But if you like dancing

I'll make it rain rhythm, and rhyme, and melodies, child

And if you like dreaming

Your mother will make your imagination run wild

Somehow, we thought you’d be here by now

We have a room just for you upstairs

It’s right down the hall

So we’ll be close should you ever get scared

We’ll come when you call

It’s a room full of stories

Waiting to be told

Longing to behold

And if you like laughing

I’ll paint you a circus of smiles and Ferris wheels, dear

And if you like living

Your mother will fly you to worlds both far and near

Somehow...

I never knew the silence could make me so deaf

I never knew that I could miss someone I’ve never met

Miss someone I haven’t met yet

We’ll be waiting

*I'm kinda hoping my dear friend, Catherine, will record this for me someday.

So Exciting!

The paperwork is moving right along.  Tim and I were able to sit down tonight and complete the online formal application for adoption!  We're also starting to apply for adoption grants and gather information for sources of fundraising for our adoption.  We are both so excited to be on this journey, knowing that in the end, God willing, we will be holding our new baby.  :)

Well, that was interesting...

So, I've heard the stories about all the forms that you have to fill out when adopting a child.  But, it didn't quite register the number and length...and oddity of it all until just now.  On one, just completed today, I had to track down the addresses of the places I have lived for the past 28 years!!  Talk about a good memory.  I gotta say, even at 37, I can still hold my own!  Thanks to the internet and google, I was able to track down two apartment complexes in Columbus, Ohio and one in Franklin, Wisconsin.  And after two successful phone calls and an email from my sister, Wendy, who also has an amazing memory, my 20-line list of addresses is complete!  Phew!

Now onto other, less-taxing, homework :)

Home Study Step 1 of 4

"I look forward to finding a baby with you."--Tim

That is how our night ended.  What a beautiful reminder for our first meeting with our agency.  I simply love our social worker.  Praise God for blessing us with her as a caring and trusting guide for our journey.  Now on to complete our lengthy homework assignments!

Fundraising A Dream

Recently it has been brought to my attention the possibility of fundraising to cover the cost of our adoption.  Here is an article worth a read:

Why Do I Want to Help People Pay For Adoption?









I think I'll be getting this book for Tim's Birthday this year!  Adopt Without Debt