Party Like It's Day 31

Whew!  We made it!!  And on day 31 they celebrated with tacos and margaritas @ the Coyote Cafe.  Thank you to our friends and family who added to our family's celebration with their presence.  We are truly blessed to have all of you in our life!

Chloe's Godmother-to-Be, Sarah

Forever Friends Maria and Lillian

Chloe's Grandparents, Dave and Anne, and Great-Aunt Mary

Mark, Meredith, and Chiara (with our Molly)

Tom, Dawn, Thomas, and Christian

Carrie and Dan

Chloe's Godfather-to-Be, Kevin and wife, Cathy

Calling All Angels

On our way home to Buffalo, Tim and Grandpa Dave were having a great time pointing out Chloe's first "milestones"...her first left turn, her first red light, her first (and hopefully last) trip to McDonalds.  I spent a greater part of the drive home sending and receiving text messages on Tim's phone as not only was our computer not working, but neither was my cell phone.  So many of our family and friends were so overjoyed about our news...and many just as presently surprised!

That afternoon Chloe was welcomed by her Grandma Anne, her Great Aunt Mary, and the Mark Vilardo family (Molly's Godfather).  Everyone brought a gift for Chloe which was very unexpected, and very much appreciated.  Molly even received several gifts too as the new big sister!  She was so proud to show off her new baby, and I was one very happy mama.

That first night, Tim read Green Eggs & Ham to Chloe as her first book, a tradition that we started with Molly.  I wondered if she would grow to love it as much as her sister.  We didn't get a lot of sleep that first night, but it somehow didn't matter.  I felt as if I were living in a dream, and I never wanted to return to reality.

However, reality had other plans.

We had a scheduled appointment on Tuesday to return to Rochester with Chloe to go over some important documents and to sign the official surrender papers.  Our appointment was at 5 pm, which meant that we were to leave at least an hour or two prior to drop Molly off at her grandparents.  We weren't too surprised to receive a call from our social worker, expecting her call to be confirming our plans for the afternoon.  However, our happiness turned quickly into anxiety as Becky relayed that there was a slight delay with our finalization.

As most things in life, there are two sides to every story.  Many of you know ours.  We wanted to grow our family, we couldn't do it the "old fashioned way" so we turned to adoption to further our goal.  To us, Chloe was an answered prayer and her birth parents were an unexpected bonus.  I had never expected to feel so comfortable with the people who gave my daughter life, but to Tim and I, we felt as if God had intended for us to be a part of their lives, and we couldn't have been more happy.  Looking at the situation from the perspective of the grandparents, however, was something that I hadn't anticipated.

For Nicole's parents, receving the news that their only daughter was pregnant, delivered their first (and only) grandchild, and subsequently placed her for adoption [without ever meeting her] was more than they could bear.  The phone call that afternoon from our social worker was telling us that Nicole's parents arrived at the lawyer's office, where Nicole and Phil were to sign the surrender paperwork, clearly upset.

If I was not directly impacted by this news, I might have been able to more clearly understand and empathize with how they must have been feeling.  But all I could think about was the worst case scenario.  We would have to give her back.

Nicole's family was furious.  After much screaming and sobbing on their part, Nicole agreed to give the matter 24 hours, delaying the signing of the paperwork to the next day out of respect for her parents.  Her parents felt as if she was making a rash decision, not realizing that she had about nine months to weigh her options, feeling settled with her decision to place her baby for adoption.

Hearing the news that we would have to "wait and see" broke our hearts.  I hadn't cried much up to this point, but the floodgates opened as I thought about the possibility that this precious miracle may not be ours.

Twenty-four hours felt like 24 years as we circled our prayer warriors through phone and text relays and social media.  As time slowly passed, we rested in the knowledge that we had chosen to trust God completely through the adoptive process from beginning to end, and we were committed to trusting in Him with this hiccup as well.  I knew that Chloe wasn't mine.  She wasn't Tim's or Nicole's or Phil's...or even Molly's (as much as she would like to believe).  She belonged to God.  And only God knew what was best for her.

We didn't ask for prayers that she stay with us, but rather we asked for prayers for all of the families that had been touched by her arrival.  Prayers for the families who were not selected to parent, for Nicole and Phil as they dealt with this difficult decision and for the love and support that they needed to guide them through the process, and finally prayers for the Grandparents to receive healing.  Anytime I felt anxious, I would simply close my eyes and repeat "Jesus I Trust In You" until my breathing slowed and I felt at peace.  As difficult as those 24-hours were to endure, I felt great comfort in knowing that He knew what was best.  God was the ultimate decision-maker and I was more than happy to relinquish control.

That isn't to say that I wasn't a mess otherwise.  My stomach was churning and I felt dizzy and nauseated for a greater part of the day as we waited with bated breath for the phone call telling us that everything was on schedule.  As I anxiously kept checking my phone (which was finally working again) for a call or a text, I felt my tension release as we finally received word that Nicole and Phil were at the lawyer's office signing the papers.

As we drove to Rochester that evening, exhausted from the events of the past few days, we were finally able to breathe some sigh of relief knowing that we would be returning home that evening one step closer to realizing our dream.  The next 30 days of waiting would not be easy, but we rested in the knowledge that God was in the driver's seat and we were more than happy to let Him guide us closer to Him.

"We Got Adopted!"

It was a very cold and snowy March morning.  As anyone in Western New York could tell you, Winter 2014 has more than worn out its welcome.  I was hoping that on the first day I would meet my daughter, who was born on the first day of Spring, it would be more Spring-like.  The house was a bustle of activity with the three of us getting ready to make the drive to Rochester.  We were also picking up Grandpa Dave on the way so that we would have someone to watch Molly should toddler fusiness rear its ugly head.  After making a last minute adjustment to the car seat in order to make room for a third person in the back seat, we were on our way.

We arrived at Strong Memorial Hospital around 10 am.  I've been to several hospitals in my life thus far, but this one in particular was pretty amazing.  Very grand in size and even had a coffee shop in the lobby, which Molly thought was very exciting.  Or maybe she thought the snacks were exciting.  We arrived a little early so we were able to meet with Jennifer, the social worker whom we spoke with the other day during the interview.  She primarily works with the birth families so we had never met her prior to Sunday.  Since Nicole and Phil were running late, we were able to start some of the paperwork prior to their arrival.

One of the documents we signed was detailing the specifics of the situation at hand.  We were taking our daughter home with what is known as "legal risk."  This meant, in very simple terms, that we were acting as glorified babysitters.  Legally she wasn't "ours" because the birthparents hadn't officially surrendered her yet...a process by which they had to meet with a lawyer to sign additional papers removing any claim to her, thereby allowing us to adopt her.  It all sounds very boring and formal, but was still very real, and a little unsettling.  Jennifer assured us that the birthparents were very confident in their decision to place their baby with us so there wasn't a need to worry.  There was an appointment scheduled the following day with the lawyer to meet with them to make everything official.  And we had scheduled an appointment with our social worker to finalize the paperwork on our end later in the afternoon.  In 24 hours, everything would be more official.  The alternative option was to have the baby placed in interim care with a respite family (similar to foster care).  Seeing as how the baby was to eventually become our own, we opted to take the legal risk of bringing her home with us.

But first we had to meet her!!

After Nicole and Phil arrived, and we navigated the course of an undecided toddler, we ventured upstairs to the nursery to meet our daughter.  This was by far one of the most awkward moments of my life.  We adore our daughter's birthparents, but we were still unsure about how to act in a situation such as this.  Do we encourage them to hold her?  Do we pick her up first?  I was grateful to break the ice by giving them each the gifts I had chosen the previous evening.  Just before they opened the gifts, they were both very excited to tell us about a tattoo that they each planned to get in honor of our daughter...an infinity symbol with a purple rose!  I just about fell off my chair when I heard the description of the design and told them that they were sure to appreciate our small gesture of appreciation.  I began to cry as it suddenly became clear to me that this wasn't simply a crazy coincidence.  This couple and their baby were destined to be a part of us...a part of our lives...as if God had specifically hand-selected each of us as players of His beautiful story.

We knew something about the chosen color of the rose before their arrival to the hospital.  Jennifer had revealed to us that Phil had frequented the hospital to meet and to hold the baby upon her arrival...something most birthfathers...or birthparents for that matter...don't usually do.  It was on that first day that he held her that she was wearing a hand knit purple hat.  Jennifer thought it would be a nice gesture to let them keep the hat, which we did.  As well as a hospital bracelet and the blanket that she was wrapped in.

We spent about an hour taking turns holding her and taking pictures.  Nicole was the only one to not hold Chloe, our chosen name for our daughter.  Both of the birthparents liked the name.  It is Greek for "green shoot," and was one of many names that meant "spring" or "rebirth."  We chose Elizabeth for her middle name in honor of my dear cousin on my dad's side of the family, Whitney Elizabeth, who perished in a car accident in 2002.  I had always wanted to honor her and knew that if I was ever to be blessed with another girl, that Elizabeth would be her middle name.  The name Elizabeth also greatly appealed to her birthmother because one of the derivatives of the name is "Elsa," one of the characters made popular in the Disney movie "Frozen," which had become her recent obsession.  :)  Molly, who had until then wanted to name her "Bella" after my parents dog, seemed pleased with our final decision.

After changing and dressing Chloe for the ride home to Buffalo she opened her eyes wide and we were able to see how truly alert she really was.  Especially at four days old...it was pretty remarkable.

Molly could not wait to meet her little sister and was happy to see that we had finally returned to the lobby.  She was a very proud big sister when she gave Chloe her gift of a doll with blonde hair.  After some initial photos of the two sisters, we thought it best that we feed her before packing into the car for the long drive.  That is when I fell in love.

Holding Chloe for the first time in the nursery with her birthparents watching was very unsettling to me.  I didn't want to appear too happy or too eager.  I wanted to seem happy, but I also wanted to respect their role in her life.  At one point I remember holding her and smiling at her...simply in awe of how truly precious she was.  I made a comment to no one in particular that if she was even half as awesome as her birthparents were, that she was going to be a great baby.  In which case, Phil, the birthfather said, "No, she's going to be a great kid because she is going to have great parents."

That was the second time I cried tears of joy that day.

After feeding and burping Chloe (oh, the joys of formula feeding), we visited with the birthparents a bit more and took even more pictures.  As Tim left to bring our car around to the front entrance, Phil chose to hold Chloe one last time.  After we had said our final goodbyes, I remember locking eyes with Nicole...sharing in a silent bond as mothers...and my heart began to ache for her.  I nodded to her and mouthed the words "thank you," before I turned and walked to the car.

The Interview Of A Lifetime: Part 2

After returning from Rochester and picking Molly up from Grandma and Grandpa's house, we were nearing home when Tim's cell phone began to ring.  On the other end was Jennifer, the social worker who was present at our meeting just a few hours ago.  She said that she had Phil and Nicole there and that they wanted to talk to us.  My heart was beating so rapidly with anticipation and excitement that it was all I could do to maintain my attention to the remaining miles toward home.  After a poor connection caused them to replace the call, we were pulling into our garage when we were asked one of the most wonderful questions in the world:  "would you parent our daughter?"  I don't remember who spoke our reply, but inside I was screaming "YES!"  At one point I remember telling them that it would be an honor and a blessing.  And once the information was communicated to our eager four-year old in the backseat, Molly chimed in with a resounding "Thank You!"

I don't know how you continue about your business after receiving a phone call like that.  I felt like I was floating through time and space.  I know at some point we had dinner...but I also remember that after Tim left for Mission that night, I proceeded to do something with Molly that I am really good at.   Shopping.

It was really late mind you for her to be out and about with me, but I made an exception, considering the rare occasion of our circumstances.  We had a new baby to prepare for!!  The room itself was mostly ready as we were beginning the transition to a nursery in hopeful anticipation for the arrival of our second child.  We were simply shopping for a few necessary items...formula, diapers, a new outfit for the baby, a "big sister" gift for Molly, and a gift for each of the birthparents.  After narrowing down our outfit choices from Molly's exuberant ten, selecting a new baby for Molly that goes poo and pee on the potty, I turned my attention to selecting a thoughtful gift for Phil and Nicole.

What exactly do you get for the birthparents of your new baby?!  When it's 8:00 pm on a Sunday night?  And you have a narrow window to complete your errand before your overtired four-year old child has a meltdown?

Browsing in the jewelry department, I was thinking of a necklace or bracelet for Nicole when something caught my eye.  It was a display of bracelets that each had a different meaning.  One in particular had an "infinity" symbol (think of an 8 turned on its side).  I though it the perfect connection between our two families as we believed and hoped that Phil and Nicole would "always" be a part of our daughter's life.  The purchase was further solidified when I found a delicate infinity necklace perfect for her birthmother.

That evening after putting Molly to bed, and preparing for the activity of the following day, I relished the thought that this would be our last night as a family of three.  We had waited almost five years to grow our family and our moment had finally arrived.  I was so anxious with anticipation that I found it hard to sleep that night, but I eventually drifted off to sleep with the love of my life beside me, and one miraculous gift from God sleeping peacefully in the next room.  I became enveloped by the peace of knowing that this would be the last evening that the nursery would be empty.  Tomorrow, our hope, our journey, and our family would be one step closer to completion.

The Interview Of A Lifetime

I was getting ready to go to mass as is the case for most Sunday mornings.  Only this was not your typical Sunday morning.  We were having a special mass said for Tim's Grandmother, Helen, who passed away a little over a year ago.  And immediately following the service, Tim's family was gathering at our house for brunch.  The house was bustling with activity and excitement...rare for a Sunday, maybe even for a family gathering.  But then again, this wasn't your typical Sunday.  There was a good possibility that we would end this day claiming to be parents for the second time.  Considering the event that was to take place later that afternoon, we were both remarkably calm.

Calm endured even when our computer stopped working for the third time that weekend.  We have had the device since 2011...old for a computer, but still in excellent shape.  As an obsessive self-proclaimed neat freak/organizer my entire life was on this beautiful machine.  Not to mention a certain document that contained the very questions that we were to ask the birthparents in a possible interview.  Not something that I thought I would have needed in an emergent situation.  I was happy, however, to give the morning over to God...and to Helen who was happily watching over us.

The mass was lovely, as was the french toast and bacon.  And when everyone had their fill of yummy delights, they scooted out so that we could prepare for our travels that afternoon to Rochester.  I didn't fret about what to wear to our appointment with the birthparents since I decided to remain in my black dress and hot pink sweater tights from the morning's celebration.  I chose the outfit because pink was Helen's favorite color (although I'm sure the word "hot" wasn't usually associated) and the dress simply because it was one of the few items that was clean and hanging in my closet.

Once Tim and I cleaned up from the brunch, we left Molly with Tim's parents and prepared for our journey and our interview with Phil and Nicole.  Not having our computer, or our notes for what to ask and not ask during an interview with the birthparents, we were flying un-teathered without any sort of pre-planned preparation, which was surprisingly freeing, even for a control freak such as myself.  As Tim drove the distance to Rochester, I opened our travels by praying that God would bless our conversation with the birth parents...that we would ask the right questions...and that He would ultimately guide our discussions.  His will be done.  God's will isn't something that I easily relinquish to most areas in my life, however this adoption journey has always been something completely out of our control.  It felt good to have someone else be in the drivers seat...literally and figuratively.  :)

As we walked into our agency's office, we were, again, surprisingly calm.  Excited yes, but not nervous.  I was so uncharacteristically "at ease" with the impending interview that I can only attribute my feelings and emotions in the moment to God's grace.  He alone gave us the strength and courage to carry us through what can only be described as the interview of a lifetime.

I should have anticipated how well we were to enjoy our conversation with the birthparents when Phil opened up by saying, "I'm a little disappointed that you didn't wear your "Cheesy Christmas Sweater" to Tim.  After a chuckle, and a small explanation (Tim had created the outfit to win a contest at work...which he did), we dived right into getting to know the couple who sat across from us.

As we were chatting and sharing pleasantries, I couldn't help but acknowledge the fact that the baby's birth family looked like our own.  And aside from the birthmother's eye color, we in fact looked like we were related.  Our easy-going natures carried the conversation so that the social worker felt as she didn't even need to be there to bridge the conversation.  It was as if we had known each other for years.

Of all of the questions asked and answered during our time together, my favorite was when we inquired about the wishes or goals for their baby.  They both answered that they wanted their baby to not just survive, but to THRIVE.  They wanted to give her a better life than what she would have under their care.  They both felt as if that wanted to know themselves before they could impart wisdom to a child.

A few of the criteria for their chosen adoptive family was that they would love their careers, that the baby would be able to grow with a sibling (both birthparents were only children), and they had also hoped to give her to a couple who had a difficult journey in growing their family.  Sharing each of our stories, it became clear to me that this child was destined to be ours.

One of my favorite moments when talking with Phil and Nicole that afternoon was when they both shared that they wanted their baby to know that they did not abandon her.  They wanted to receive updates, and possibly get together once a year.  That made my heart happy.  And I felt secure in the knowledge that this baby would be greatly loved.

We left the meeting feeling very happy, unsure of what was to be decided, but at peace with the situation.  Fully knowing that what was to come would be in God's very capable hands.

The "Cheesy" Christmas Sweater

It's A Girl!

There is no question that I love my "alone" time so it was no surprise that I was cherishing the business of the local Wegmans grocery store one late Saturday afternoon in March.  As I was meandering through the aisles, I reflected on the week ahead.  I wasn't looking forward to Tim beginning his eight-night Mission experience at our church, leaving Molly and I every evening for over a week, but I knew that with God's strength, and prayer, we would be able to survive.

It wasn't entirely my fault that I was late arriving home that evening...remembering why I don't frequently shop for food on the weekends.  So, upon arriving home, I rushed into the house, apologized for being late, and told Tim that he could be on his way while I encouraged my daughter to help me bring in the groceries.  I was a little surprised to hear Tim say, however, that "plans have changed."

As I looked at him with a puzzled expression, he continued by saying, "we got a call from Bethany."  I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at Tim with a "deer in the headlights" kind of stare...not quite sure what to say next.  Finally, I emitted, "What did they say?" whereby my four year old started to say, "let me tell her daddy!"  I looked at sweet Molly with a great big smile on her face as she said, "we're going to have a baby!"  I looked at Tim...and back at Molly...and then back at Tim again when he said, "well..."  And then Molly clarified, "well, we have to meet the birthparents and if they choose us, we're going to get a baby!  And if they don't choose us, well then we're not going to get a baby."  Pretty simple to comprehend, even for a growing toddler.

I didn't know whether or not to scream, jump up and down or cry, so I did all three.  As I brought in the groceries and was putting them away, Tim began to relay the details of the phone call as best as he could remember.  Our social worker, Becky, had called to say that a baby girl had been born at Strong Memorial Hospital in Rochester and the birthmother was looking to place her for adoption.  She and the birthfather had selected three couples to interview, and we were among those chosen.  We would meet with them the next afternoon.  And, as Molly simply stated before, if the birth family chose us, we would be taking the baby home from the hospital.

The baby was born Friday afternoon and was already two days old.  I was so excited and nervous, but at the same time, uncharacteristically calm.  Tim and I embraced, discussed some of the remaining details of the phone call...information about the birth parents...no prenatal care...young couple in their twenties...birthmom smoked...and as far as the agency knew, the baby girl was healthy.  After the groceries were put away and dinner made and eaten, Tim went to Mission that evening at church, and we continued on with our evening's plans as if nothing was different.  And nothing really was different...but the possibilities were forever life changing...and beautiful.